Healing My Relationship with Movement

My relationship with movement and physical activity has been fraught with insecurity and self doubt for many many years. It has been wrought with feelings of shame, imposter syndrome and inadequacy since as long as I can remember. Unfortunately this was not a revelation I made until very recently as I approached my 30th birthday. Up until recently, I had laid blame on myself for (perceived) lack of achievement. I shamed myself and my body no matter what level of fitness I was at. Believed myself lazy, undisciplined and incapable of consistency. Why else wasn’t I able to reach my goals? Why couldn’t  I ‘do it all’? Have a full time job, run 40 miles a week, eat right and crush ALL my goals, while also maintaining a social life, staying hydrated and getting the dogs enough exercise? The guilt and shame plagued me through each and every attempt at a training cycle. It plays out the same way over and over. I set overly ambitious goals. I jump in full steam ahead and eventually I burn out. I start to dread the act of fitness - whatever it is, running, climbing, biking. I compare what I’m not doing to what others are doing. And eventually I just quit on my goal or I go into my overly ambitious goal woefully unprepared and undertrained. The end result is the same, and the cycle culminations with complete elimination of movement from my routine. I just stop. 

I’ve started referring to this as my ‘boom or bust’ cycle. Either I’m dreaming of and working toward big, sexy goals “worth” striving for, or I’m doing nothing. The most recent occurrence of this cycle was training for Squamish 50k this past year. And it played out just as I’ve described above. But circumstances were different this time and I had been introduced to and was exploring some ‘radical’ ideas around rest and recovery, eradicating negative self talk and true self care. Thanks to some amazing podcasts, instagram accounts, books, and some people in my life, I started to learn to shun the capitalist idea that our worth is determined by our productivity - however we define productivity in our own lives; chasing and achieving goals, chasing money, hustling, etc. This is the idea that was playing out with my relationship to movement. That idea that the worth of the movement (and therefore my worth) is diminished if the goal isn’t big enough, if the workout isn’t a certain level of difficulty, and if I didn’t (subjectively) do “enough” that day/week/month. Talk about negative self talk am I right!?  I am CONSTANTLY identifying the different ways they show up in my life. It might be no surprise to you that it shows up everywhere! I used to thrive on being THE BUSIEST person alive. I was doing All. The. Things. All. The. Time. But what I have come to learn is being busy is a mechanism of numbing out. It allows you to not feel your emotions and prevents you from really thinking about what is going on in your life. ((Other forms of numbing out include drinking and other drugs, Netflix bingeing, etc)) Turns out, you need space to feel and process your emotions, space for rest and recovery, and space to cultivate creativity. Space that you don’t get if you don’t make time for it. This leads to feelings of burn-out that can permeate all different areas of your life including physical activity. What I’ve also learned about myself is that those external motivators and big goals just aren’t enough to facilitate consistency for me. If daily movement and activity is something I want to continue for a long time then there needs to be a sturdy foundation in place. A foundation built on the intrinsic value, pleasure and joy derived from movement rather than external gratification of wow-factor goals achieved. 

Honestly I can’t believe it took this long for me to get sick of that ‘boom or bust’ cycle and make these realizations. Isn't that such a long time to carry on a terrible relationship with yourself? Would we tolerate that sort of thing in any other relationships we have? Hell to the NO! But we tolerate it from ourselves. Sometimes it is even preached to us to use this as a motivational tool! Would you ever consider to use shame and guilt towards a friend to motivate them? Again, no you wouldn’t (unless you are a shitty friend…)

So now I’m in the place where I’ve identified a really big problem and I want to make changes. The next step was all introspective contemplation and answering of questions. What do I want my relationship with movement to look like? What do I enjoy about movement? What activities and what aspect of those activities bring me the most joy and why? How does my relationship to my body and food play a role in my previous relationship with movement (ie fat-phobia, diet culture, etc)? This was done over so much time and honestly is something I’m still coming back to. I want to make sure that the way I’m showing up and moving forward is in line with the answers to these questions and to prevent myself from slipping back into familiar patterns. ((I’ve almost made a sweeping long distance race declaration like one thousand times already haha)). 

I envision a relationship with movement based in consistency and joy. A relationship structured around self-care and self compassion. I want to be moving my body for a long time to come. I have always preached longevity in my activities, particularly running. “Don’t take away from tomorrow”. In other words, don’t work so hard today that you compromise your consistency in doing the work tomorrow. This was something our high school Cross Country coach said and taught us constantly. I’ve found over the years that he really knew what he was doing! (Thanks Slumpy!). I want my movement to be out in Nature as much as possible. In the mountains and the woods. With people that I love and admire. And I want to be strong. I want to have the strength to facilitate recreation like mountain biking, climbing and trail running. Recreation that gets me out into the wild places that I crave to see. Purposefully, none of these ideas are tied to what my body looks like, as I work towards body-neutrality. The size, shape and look of my body have no impact on my success in achieving these goals. The shape, size, and look of my body is not tied to my worth. Talk about another big lesson to unlearn!

((Side note: I purposefully am not expanding any more on my relationship with my body here. Women in particular deal with so many areas of shame around their bodies. Culturally and socially, fat-phobia is rampant. I am excluding this topic here because I do not feel it is appropriate to center the story of my (thin, cis, white, hetero) body image issues over the stories of activists already breaking down the narratives around size. Know, that I do deal heavily with issues surrounding negative body image and that I would be happy to talk to any of you personally with those specific issues and how I’m working to combat them. Now go follow a fat activist!))

In the last 6 months I’ve slowly started building a foundation. Purposefully starting very small. Incorporating small aspects of joyful movement into my daily routine. Some tangible examples include the following: Roya and I have started walking together with Q and Sharik in the mornings a few times per week. Matt and I have taken up walking more together as well. We had a “family meeting’ walk yesterday and used that time to chat about plans and dreams! I’ve started an (almost) daily mobility practice and have reintroduced yoga into my life. And not just Asana (poses) but the other limbs of yoga as well. I’ve also been consistent in adding in body weight strength exercises. I’ve also started getting more sleep (gasp!). In working through this process I've rediscovered that consistency is something that I am capable of! This has been a new, but very much welcomed, revelation in the last few weeks. And it was something I struggled with so much previously. And wouldn’t you know it, but slowly and surely those desires for more intense forms of movement are creeping back in organically, without force, without the need for extrinsic goal setting. The foundation of all of this is listening more to my body in ways I was maybe ignoring before. Listening to what exactly my body might need that day or in that moment. Figuring out the difference between lethargy and the need for true rest. And finding joy in the act of the movement itself. Which means, I’ve set no big goals, not for lack of feeling the desire to do so, but out of respect for the process. Maybe one day I’ll be able to do so responsibly without compromising what I’ve accomplished so far… Time will tell. 

An integral part of all of this has been working with Marybeth of LivingWells. (Check out here website HERE).  In addition to goals around movement, we’ve even worked through many aspects of burn out I had simultaneously been experiencing related to my job! Low and behold it is all connected. So consider this a plug (especially if you are in the veterinary field) to consider outside areas of help if you have the financial means. You don’t always have to make big changes all on your own. And you changes don’t have to be large to be life changing. Sometimes a little help goes a long way. I’m talking about things like therapy, relationship counseling, financial counseling, etc. based on whatever area of life your goals or issues arise. It is ok to ask for help. 

None of this is over. I imagine this to be something that ebbs and flows and requires continued learning and re-learning. It is a process but one I’m committed to for the long haul. Maybe these ideas are new or foreign to you. Maybe they seem kind of hippy dippy. Or maybe they resonate with you personally. Whatever your reaction may be, I’d love to hear your thoughts and answer any questions you may have about my personal journey with these changes. 

Cover photo by : Jo Reese